असर जो तेरी आँखोँ का यूँ हुआ मुझ पर,
हर लम्हेँ को कैद करना चाहा मैँने,
प्यारी सी मुस्कान से लेकर खूबसूरत उदासी तक,
तेरी हर अदा पर फिदा हो जाना चाहा मैँने,
नज़रोँ को तूने जो उठाया ऐसे,
कि हर ग़ालिब घायल हो गया,
नज़र-अंदाज़ ना कर सका मैँ उन नज़रोँ को,
और खुदा का यह बंदा भी ग़ालिब बन गया,
तेरी आँखोँ मेँ काजल की वो लकीर,
काले बादलोँ से भी गेहरी थी,
माथे पर थी वो लाल बिँदी,
जिसकी चमक सोने से भी सुन्हरी थी,
कान के झुमके तेरे ऐसे,
रंगीन जैसे मोर के पँख,
छन छनाने कि उन्की आवाज़,
सुनके समा गया मेरा तुझमे कन कन,
प्यारी सी थी तेरी नाक कि नथिनी,
जैसे शगुन का काला टीका,
और ऐसा दीवाना बनाया इन सब ने मुझे,
और वो थी तेरी खूबसूरत आँखेँ,
असर जो तेरी आँखोँ का यूँ हुआ मुझ पर,
हर लम्हेँ को कैद करना चाहा मैँने...
- tawanug

third para 'lakir' spelling mistake.....................
ReplyDeleteotherwise its good
good one dude...
ReplyDeletebut little long is what i felt...
end mein naak ki nathni ki jarurat nahi thi...
anyways nice comparisons....
Sir, i wanted to describe all her features so by that naak ki nathini ki zarurat thi.
DeleteThank You :)
Good...but next time lay more emphasis on tuk and chhand.A poem is written in a proper maatra pattern unless its a chhandmukta poem.This one is not a chhandmukta poem because it has a particular rhyme scheme.The maatras in this poem are not in any particular pattern.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise its a beautiful poem...loved it!
Dude i didnt know you have such a great knowledge of poems.
DeleteI'm just a beginner but i promise the next one will not disappoint you!
Good one.. Nice ..
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteFascinating piece.....keep up the good work..u'll do wonders...
ReplyDeletegr8 work...Never knew engineers could also be good writers :)
ReplyDeletewah....kaviraj
ReplyDeletegud one gunni.. But the ending could hve been better
ReplyDeleteawesum poem....just try 2 take it a little deeper...
ReplyDeletegud 1
ReplyDeleteamazing gunni!!
ReplyDeletekeep up the good work! :)
good stuff man!you got a real talent!
ReplyDeletewah....kya baat kya baat
ReplyDeleteMast h guunnu....
ReplyDeletekeep writing ��
bas thoda improvement ki jrurt h baki tere jajbat jhalak rhe h .... ☺
cool...way to go gunni !! u knw wat m not keen in such things but u did very well...impressive !!
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteWell .. Mast hai Gunni.
ReplyDeleteThe comparison was pretty cool with the wordings. Liked the Kan wala part. I think u covered all the features.
Keep it up !!
good one, great
ReplyDeletethe girl u r describing must be really awesome....:P
ReplyDeletechaa gye guru...!
Just imagine, this was the description of just the "eyes", when he would move on describing her, what would he create - A Masterpiece !!!
DeleteYes Bids, she is really awesome ;)
Deletenice one dude... yeh hobby kabse hai?
ReplyDeleteThanks. Just out of boredom :P
DeleteThank you everyone. Many of you were disappointed by how it ended, but don't worry I promise the next one will be better.
ReplyDeleteKeep reading for more.
And Follow if you like!
pel diya bhai tune to Gunni...just awesome..:)
ReplyDeleteGud 1 yaar....kip it up... @
ReplyDeletebhai..nice..jyada knowledge to nhi mujhe poems k bare me lkn achi h teri poem.
ReplyDeletehey i hav read only two of ur poems, so from that i can understand that u write romantic poems really well. good job, and also, dis one is better dan d previous one. if u r new in d field, read more, and most importantly, write more. just one thing, work harder on d construction of your lines and stanzas, dey need more rhythm. however, d feel of d poem is good. continue to write, hope to read mor of ur poems
ReplyDeletegood one....
ReplyDeleteVery nice , keep writing and you will fly in the sky with your pen :P
ReplyDelete